PET LOSS SUPPORT PAGE
(Issue No. 1)
Page last updated on Saturday, March 31, 2007.
INTRODUCTION
The hardest part of your relationship with your beloved pet occurs when they die. It may happen after a prolonged illness, a sudden injury, or old age. Equally important, but sometimes overlooked, is the profound grief that we feel when we are forced to give up a pet due to our own circumstances such as your own ill health. Regardless of the circumstances, the pain can be horrible.
This webpage hopes to help you through that terrible time with ideas, information, and sources of help. No one can TELL you THE answer, because there isn't any one answer. Everyone's situation will be different in some way based on your personality, your relationship with your pet, the circumstances of their passing, the availability of support, and countless other factors. Perhaps though, we can point you in the right direction and aid you in finding the help, insights and solace that you need for yourself.
This webpage is not just for those who's pets have already passed away but also to help those facing that prospect in the near future. Here too, we will have suggestions to help you prepare for that day.
The page will offer the following topics.
Commentary and discussion with input from readers
Links to pet loss support webpages and hotlines
We hope you'll find the material here helpful. Rest assured, this page will always be ..........under construction.
Sincerely,
The volunteers and members of OBG
"I can never lose one whom I have loved unto the end; one to whom my soul cleaves so firmly that it can never be separated does not go away, but only goes before..."
St. Bernard of Clairvaux
Some Very General Comments About Grief
The worst thing has happened. Your beloved pet has died or is facing death in the near future. It may be due to old age, an illness, or severe injury. Or perhaps the serious change is in your life. Perhaps you're the one facing a severe illness that requires moving into a nursing home or some other venue that prohibits pets. It is that terrible unredeemable separation from a loved one, four legged or otherwise that gives rise to our grief.
In the immediate period after we are separated from our beloved pet, life can be an awful, empty void filled with nothing but the longing to have our pet back with us. Truly, our companion animals are a part of us and psychologists have found that the grief over the loss of a pet can easily equal that over the loss of a child. For many, the usually sudden deprivation of that companion who was our best friend, our confidante, always there, loyal and true, can leave them at a significant loss since one of the most important emotional anchors of their life is gone.
Perhaps, there's a period of self-recrimination over failings, real and imagined. "Gee, why didn't I.........?"
And then there are those around us, often themselves unfamiliar with the joys of being a pet-person. "Well, it was just a dog." or the conversationally bubbly ones who inquire, "Oh?, you going to get another one?" Sometimes, even family and "friends" can be notably unsympathetic. "Well, it's been a month, get over it and get on with your life."
Some of you have been there before, some of you not. In either case, find your support from those who care and have been where you are now.
Grief doesn't run to a schedule. It is much too complex and personalized for that. How we handle the passing of our pet will be based on many factors such as our own personality, our relationship with our pet, the circumstances of their passing, is this the first time for us, and the quality of the support available to name only a few factors. For some people, the period can be devastating as they try to sort out cascading and conflicting emotions, fears, and maybe even guilt. "Did I do enough?" "Should I have...........?"
The answer to these questions is almost invariably that there was nothing you could have done. You are not all-knowing or all-powerful and neither is your vet. Maybe it's our belief that if we could identify the cause, we could identify a cure or preventative. Unfortunately, not everything is so readily fixed and since we can't find that answer, it can leave us still searching and suffering. It’s natural to second-guess ourselves at times like these BUT DON’T. You’re beating yourself up needlessly. There was nothing that you could do to change the ultimate outcome.
Instead, try to think of what you were able to provide to your pet. Maybe they were a rescue whose life you changed from suffering and misery to happiness and love. Even if your pet wasn't a rescue remember all of the good care and love that you gave them. If it hadn't been for you, perhaps they might have ended up living in terror and suffering at the hands of a monster or wandering the streets as a suffering stray. That's why you made a difference to your pet!
For some all of this can take a long time to sort out, for others, not so long.
Thus, in the immediate aftermath, because of the suddenness and possibly traumatic nature of our pet's death, we are devastated. When this feeling persists for more than a brief period, Society may tell us to "straighten up." Or, we may wonder if something is wrong with us. Healing takes time. Our relationship with our pet was sincere and the bond complete. Something like that doesn't just "go away." Unfortunately, people sometimes make things more difficult for themselves by thinking that if they aren't suffering over their pet's death, it means that they've turned their back on their pet; betrayed them, forgotten them.
Perhaps though, the nature of our grief changes over time. From the devastation of the sudden separation and the vivid images of their suffering, gradually we find ourselves more and more remembering our pets not in their pain but in their happier, healthier days when they were whole and in love.........with us. And that's when we begin to find some measure of peace again because we know that we can never forget them anymore than we could forget our heart. They are one and the same.
LINKS TO PET LOSS SUPPORT WEBPAGES AND HOTLINES
The Pet Loss Support Website at the Veterinary Medical College of Iowa State University
Veterinary Medical College of Cornell University
The following books are highly recommended. They address a wide range of common topics that can help the grieving family member cope with the pain. ALL of these books are recommended together. Even when they address the same topics, each brings invaluable additional insights that are very helpful. Further, each covers topics that the other doesn’t and the approaches are different. The first book on our list is very different. It won’t tell you how to cope with the grief. Rather, it’s the journal of a loving family member who, when faced with the impending death of his beloved dog, focus’ on making her remaining time as happy and comfortable as possible. In so doing, the author lays the groundwork for his own subsequent healing.
Thus, the immediate pain of his dog’s death, is tempered by very recent good memories of her. This is a book that any of us who have ever lost a beloved pet, especially after a prolonged decline, can truly relate.
"Maya's First Rose- Diary of a Very Special Love" by Martin Scot Kosins
"People" magazine called this book "A soulful tribute" and it certainly is that. The author describes his life with Maya his dog. They were together for 17 years and he focus’ on her final months as he realizes that her age has caught up with her. In those remaining days, he makes a special effort to be with her and provide her the love and comfort that she desires. Rides in the car, just sitting together in the park; these were the things that he made time for. Any of us who have seen a beloved pet slowly decline as the years or a terminal illness take their toll will find this book written for them. The book also highlighted, without mentioning, how by accepting our pet’s decline and making each remaining day with them special, we help ourselves in the days afterwards. How often has some traumatic event happened to us and later we've felt guilty because we didn’t do something. "Why didn’t I get a nice picture of Fluffy while she was alive?" By devoting as much attention as we can to our pets, we eliminate the guilt because we know we did everything we could.
"The Loss of a Pet: New, Revised and Expanded Edition" by Dr. Wallace Sife
This is the classic on the subject. Dr. Sife covers a wide range of topics from dealing with grief when your pet’s death is sudden as well as when it’s expected, to whether pets go to heaven. Dr. Sife’s new edition reportedly has new additional sections dealing with such topics as helping children cope with the loss of a pet. This book is especially helpful if read in conjunction with Virginia Ironside’s book below.
"Goodbye, Dear Friend - Coming to Terms With the Death of a Pet" by Virginia Ironside
A superb book which looks at many of the same topics as does the Sife book while offering additional helpful perspectives. In addition, Ms. Ironside adds a number of topics such as how various religions view animals and the afterlife. Throughout though, she supplements her narrative with letters from people who have lost their pets. These letters coming from people in the same position as the reader put an invaluable aspect to the narrative that can really strike home. One letter, from a gentleman in Northamptonshire, written as if from his recently departed dog to him urging him to give a home to another suffering dog is so powerful that even if the rest of the pages in the book were blank, this letter alone would make the book a "must have." This book is especially helpful when read in conjunction with Dr. Sife’s book.
"For Every Dog An Angel", written and illustrated by Christine Davis.
One of our volunteers wrote: "I have just found this book that might be of great comfort to anyone who has lost a four-legged loved one. It is very similar to the "Rainbow Bridge" poem. We might like to add this book to our book list on our web page. It is really sweet and very touching."